I Do Cherish You

My promise to you

2012-01-09T06:44:00.001-08:00

Do you still remembered what I promised you few years ago? I promised you that I will do anything for you with my best ability. I always deliver my promises to you. As I've told you before, I don't simply make a promise to anyone. But for you, I'm willing to do anything that you asked for. I never did anything like this for anyone before except you. Not even my family or boy friend.

Recently, I started assembling the puzzle you bought. It really tested my patience and determination. In the beginning, I was really struggling hard to figure out where to start. I don't even know what I'm supposed to do. After reflecting back of the times when we assemble puzzle together, I did groupings and segregation for it like how we used to do. I finally know what I'm doing. I spent a few sleepless nights till morning trying to finish it quickly and frame it back for you. Finally, I managed to complete it in 5 days. This is the fastest I can go. Really hope that you'll appreciate it.

The Sound of Colours: The Lucky Apple

- I Do Cherish You -

Heartbroken and alone

2012-01-05T00:13:00.001-08:00

Why do you have to treat me like this? What have I done wrong? Did you punish me like this because I'm in love with you? I have never done and will never do anything to harm you. There are plenty of other people who fancy you as well but why am I the exception? Just because I'm a girl? I didn't like any other girls except you. You're not being fair to me. I didn't hope for anything or any further progress. I just want you to know the truth and I didn't want to lie to you. Actually the main cause for me to think or realized that I fall for you is the people around you. Everyone has been warning you and saying to you that I might be a lesbian. The fact is I didn't even think of it at all until you kept teasing me continuously and I got confused with the statement and started questioning myself.

I only want us to be like how we used to be. I don't mind you being with another person and I also hope that you can be happy. Everything I do for you, I only want to see you happy. I can do anything for you. I really mean anything. Is this like the old Chinese saying that you give a shoe to someone means you're sending that person away from your life? Both of us didn't even think of this issue at all until I realized recently you bought me a shoe and this incident happened.

Yesterday, I already chase my boyfriend out of my house. It's getting more and more difficult for me to face him. To the extend I didn't want to make love with him anymore. I just can't do it and I need some space on my own. The fact that you are deserting me are too hard for me to accept. I kept telling you not to desert me because I know you will do so one day. It is so heart breaking to hear you saying that.

Since the day you told me that you heard the truth, I already predicted that you will ask me to give you back your house keys. It is just a matter of when. Yesterday when I got your message and before I read it, I already know that you were going to ask about the keys. You even asked me to pass everything to your mum and you have to send another text 'I mean everything'. I was really saddened and I couldn't sleep but to continue to assemble the pig puzzle till 8.30am.

My biggest wish for the year is to reconcile with you and be together again as sisters like how we used to be. Every time I assemble the pieces of puzzle, reminds me of the times we used to had assembling puzzle together at your old resident.

I'm half way done assembling your pig puzzle. Hopefully I can frame it up before end of the month.

-I Do Cherish You-

The truth revealed

2012-01-01T11:59:00.001-08:00

After our possible last trip, I had been sending plenty of messages and tried calling you. You cancel my call or your line is busy every time I called you or you didn't reply my messages. I felt that something was not right. It is not the usual way how we used to communicate. We at least give each other a message or call almost daily but it has been 5 days already and I haven't talk to you. So I took the initiative to text you and it goes like that.

"Hey, Happy New Year! How are u? Haven't been talking to you. Have u started your medication?"

"I'm ok. Don't wanna talk"

"Ok.. Hope u're fine. I'll be available for u if u need me. Will take a month break from work to rest and look for new job to start in feb. Take care"

"I actually heard what u said on that night u were drunk. I am very hurt and disappointed. I treat u like a true sister but in return it is some other form of Rship to u, regardless it is in your conscious or unconscious mind. Honestly I have fear towards u now, whenever I think about it.. Maybe we should stop seeing each other personally for sometime, I do not know how to face u.. If anythg official, u may still text me. I will reply u."

"I actually knew that u heard but since u said u didn't, I didn't want to repeat it again. I regretted saying that to u but that's the truth that I can't explain. I tried very hard convincing myself to treat u like my sister and I didn't want u to know the truth. I thought that being with someone else might change the truth and stop me from thinking of u. I already predicted that this will happen and I know it's hard for u to accept it. I had been forgetting this feeling long time but it came back again. I'm very sorry I hurt u. I'm really sorry that I let u down. I hope u can keep this within us as I told u before. Sorry again."

After sending all these messages, instantly I felt that my heart and soul was falling apart. I can't believe that this is happening to me. My tears were about to roll down naturally but I managed to hold and swallow it back as my boyfriend is next to me. The pain in my heart was unbearable. I was crying hard in my heart but I have to show a poker face on the outside. I find it hard for me to face him after telling you the truth. I also felt very bad for adding more complications to your already-complicated-life.

Whether or not we stay apart, I'll still remember the good times we had and our interests in common.

- I Do Cherish You -

Our possible last trip

2011-12-29T11:45:00.001-08:00

The night before our long-waited trip, I was very delighted that I could sleepover your place again. However I was having the feeling that was left aside long time ago which makes me feel that I should tell you the truth. While I was sleeping next to you, I can't help but to look at you sleeping. It has been awhile since I last see you sleeping soundly.

During the trip, I was over-joyed being there with you although there's nothing much to do. We had a nice aromatherapy massage on the first day together which makes our body muscle relaxes. Maybe because of the massage, we are able to sleep soundly at night and wake up happily the next morning. Our mood was as good as the years before. Taking pictures happily together, enjoying the beautiful scenery and taking an afternoon nap as usual. It's a rather relaxing and stress-free trip with you. I never felt as happy as this in my life before. I know that it's only my one-sided love and you only treat me as your little sister but I can't help but to think of sharing my love with you.

But as good time passed, I decided to take some beer after dinner which triggers me and started to bring my emotions to actions. I was trying so hard to control myself from telling you the truth but I can't. I know that if I don't tell you the truth when I'm unconscious, I won't have the chance to tell you when I'm conscious again. I know what I'm doing. I know that I'm hugging and babbling to tell you that I'm in love with you and I know it is impossible for us to be together. I always thought that by having an ordinary relationship with another person would make me forget about you. The truth is even though I've been in another relationship, I still won't be able to let you go. I missed you so much that I wanted to hug and kiss you when I'm unconscious. I remember your responses to my every words and actions. You seem to understand what I'm babbling but you didn't bother to ask clearly. We both ended up sleeping restlessly and it seems like I had ruined our final night of the trip.

While we have breakfast in the morning, you kept asking me what happened the night before but I couldn't open up my mouth to tell you what happened but to say that I forgotten what happened. You kept telling me that you didn't understand what I was trying to tell you but in my heart I know that you understand what I'm trying to tell you. You told me that you frustrated that you couldn't sleep well because of my crazy drunken behavior. It really breaks my heart to hear you saying that. I really hope that you heard what I said. You told me that you wouldn't go drink with me again and you might not go for another trip with me again.

While we were on the way back to our home, I couldn't say a word with you because of the disappointment I have in my heart. We were supposed to take a day break and go for another trip the next day together. After you told me that you decided to go alone instead, I was really saddened and speechless. I was too disappointed to do anything the whole day. Even when I meet my boyfriend, I don't feel the excitement. My body belongs to the man sleeping next to me but my heart and soul is with you all the while missing and thinking of you. Nobody can ever replace your position in my heart.

This might be our last trip together but I will still cherish it every moment I spent with you. I'll always love you.

The place where we took our pictures.

The heart-shaped purple flower plant that represents my love to you.

The rock that we had hardship together.

I Do Cherish You

Dreaming of You

2011-01-18T17:35:00.000-08:00

I was so busy drowning myself with my new job lately that I thought that I could leave you out of my mind. I realized I was wrong! Even though I didn't think of you as much as I do previously, but I suddenly dreamt of you in my room, waiting for my return from work. I was so surprise that I couldn't ask anything but to hug and kiss you right away. The next minute, I found myself soak with tears when jerked myself up while I'm still in your arms. I missed you so much and how I wish that dream was true.

Now that you are ignoring me, it breaks my heart so much to the extend I can't think of a way to cure it but to bare the pain everyday. I wish I could be with you everyday, having you by my side when I sleep. Cuddling you, fooling around with you like we used to be. How can I ever meet you again? Sometimes I even think will you visit me if I got admitted to the hospital? If we ever meet again, how would things be? Pain? Sorrow? Happiness? Care? Love? All these questions had been spinning in my mind ever since I started this blog.

I Do Cherish You Darling

Wherever you are

2010-12-15T03:26:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I moved to my girl friend's empty house alone. I wanted some peace and quiet days for a week. I know I'm missing you a lot that is why I think this hideout is so important. I need to detach myself from the world and from all distractions to ask myself, What's my problem? Why am I so upset over all things? Are you really that important to me?

Doing things which are insignificant to my usual life makes me realize how hectic my life is. As I watch the fishes in her house swim and pick up pebbles, it looks so happy doing the same action over and over again. Can I do something over and over again maintaining that happiness?

Today, I went to the park next to her house. Walking alone in the park seems so meaningless but with the beautiful nature, it makes me feel that you are here with me walking. Watching the beautiful sunset reminds me so much of you. I'm still waiting for the day you walk this road with me, watch sunset together and go to trips together. What happened to the promise that you made? You told me that you will be there with me to travel together. I once told you, if you ever need me, I will be there with you wherever you are.

Is my love for you not obvious enough for you to know or you simply think that you are not good enough for me? I love you for who you are.

Baby, I do cherish you. How long more do I have to wait for your return?

- I Do Cherish You

Birthday

2010-11-22T10:21:00.000-08:00

I've never felt so disappointed before. Few days back I sent you your birthday gift to the id I created for you. I pre-planned everything for you but did you even bother to check it? I'm so heart broken that you ignored me completely.

On the actual day of my birthday, I received hundreds of wishes from others but i never receive any of yours. I waited for you to wish me the whole day but you never did. Felt so heart broken once again. You leave me no choice but to reveal my tattoo to you. I didn't want you to know about it till we are together, I guess I really can't take it anymore. I was so heart broken since the day of your birthday till mine. I didn't even have the motivation or heart to celebrate mine anymore. I was dragged out by my family to have a simple dinner but inside me, I felt so empty without you by my side.

I was facing serious depression lately. Where were you when I need you? So much happened to me without you. I missed you. I noticed i can't live without you. I love you dumbo. Hope to have you by my side everyday.

Ps. I do cherish you.

Feeling empty

2010-11-14T03:45:00.001-08:00

These few weeks I've been busy rushing for assignments due and I just got into this new job on the 1st. Things got so packed and hectic, sometimes I felt like exploding. Whenever I listen to songs while doing things, i wished you were here to feel and fill my emptiness. Felt so empty lately facing all my stresses alone without you. Only you can fill my emptiness with your love. My empty head, empty heart and empty soul. Feel so restless, missing you everyday, wondering how you are doing but unable to ask you. Feel like I'm in a movie or something. How I wish I would just meet an accident and lost all my memories so that I could start a new life. Felt so in pain and sorrowful. Next week's birthday is just like any ordinary day to me. I don't feel like planning, celebrating or even doing anything on that day. I don't have the passion and heart to do anything. What is wrong with me? Your absence affected my life and whatever I do so much that I kept punishing myself like a fool. I miss you dear. I was thinking of you so much when I took this picture. I wished you were there with me watching the beautiful sunset.

Ps. I still and do cherish you

Sad departure

2010-11-10T05:51:00.001-08:00

The other day when me and WE send you off to the airport to NZ, we had dinner at this restaurant that I told you is very significant to him. I don't even know my grieve over him is right or wrong. During dinner and the departure, I felt so lost in between both of you when I see both of you hugging and kissing. I see the love in both of you and I didn't want to interfere both of you. I feel so confused of whether or not you will miss me. I was so lonely ever since you left. I felt so empty. I know that love is patient and kind and I'm still patiently waiting for you, do you know any of that?

Ps. I will always wait for you to come back and I do cherish you.

This is the place that we had our dinner before you leave.

I see tears in your eyes as you reach the departure gate. I know how you feel being apart from your loved one.

- I Do Cherish You

Because of you

2010-11-01T12:08:00.001-07:00

Previously, the person that I told you about, which I treated as the love of my life and I told you he's exceptional was actually someone for me to diversify my feelings for you to him. I kept convincing and grieving myself that he's the one that makes me go insane. You are my closest friend of all and I shared almost all of my happenings with you. Your family and friends started to suspect that I'm a lesbian or a bisexual, all because I don't have a boyfriend and I treated you unconditionally in a way that is not so normal to everyone. In your world of people, it is impossible to have someone not related at all, to be so close and doing things together. Not one or two suspected me, but almost all of them said the same thing. How can I deal with it? It is also very hard for me to accept. I'm getting more and more confused on my feelings towards you and our relationship. It's all very frustrating! I don't know whether I should tell you or not. I'm afraid that we would not be friends anymore if I tell you. It's harder for me to lose you than to do anything. I don't wanna lose you. You are someone I cherish most.

- I Do Cherish You

Symbolic tattoo

2010-10-28T08:04:00.000-07:00

Yesterday you decided to get a tattoo done because of 'WE', so I followed you there and we both did it together. When we were choosing the design, I was thinking very hard what to put on so that I don't regret in the future. I didn't want to put anything that makes people question me in the future. So I decided to put a scorpio sign there with the leaves surrounding it. Since you already decided what to put on your body, so I let you to start doing it first. The pain that I saw on your face was really heart breaking. During that time, I really felt that you love 'WE' very much and I didn't want to interfere it. The symbol on our body may be on the same placing but it both represents different meanings. Your symbol represents 'WE' but mine represents us. Initially, the idea of me getting it, is because I want to experience the pain that you have during the process of doing it and for the sake of my broken heart. But the truth is, it is mainly because of you and not anyone else. If it wasn't for you and with you, I wouldn't have the courage to do it at all. I kept convincing myself that it was for him and I want to remember the pain I had for this symbol but after awhile when I think again, it is actually more for you than him. I named it Garden of Scorpio because it represents us. It is our horoscope sign and we did it together.

WE anchor

The Garden of Scorpio

- I Do Cherish You